The playlist I made you has 154 songs.. hurt, happiness, and just everything. I hope you listen to it one day and know how much you meant to me. I hope you find me again in the future.
I’m not screaming and crying on the kitchen floor anymore.. i’m not laying lifeless in bed for hours refusing to pickup the phone. I’m not cursing your name and then hating myself for it because I was just angry that things didn’t work.. I’m not drinking you away, I’m not staying up late smoking cigarettes knowing how much you would hate it. I don’t have that heavy feeling in my chest any longer that suffocating feeling of loss. I’m not looking for you in other people and feeling guilty when they’re not you. I’m not using my body as a way to feel something. I don’t have that haze over my eyes just doing whatever comes. I’m not swallowing pills or powder just to feel an ounce of happiness and softness. It’s true I don’t know how to let you go.. you’re still here.. but it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. You’re no longer my everything. You’re just my something. I’ll never be quite sure what you were.. but I think sometimes it was my greatest mistake my greatest lesson my greatest love. And I’m grateful for whatever inch of you I got. Hearing that you’re finally happy is enough. Even if it’s not with me. It’s enough. I met a broken girl a shattered, bruised, lost girl, and to see someone grow from that is the greatest thing in the whole world to see. I remember the tears and the anger. But I’ll always remember what was underneath I always saw it. And if she’s finally free from the pain. That’s all I could ever ask for. Maybe if she can do it. It gives me hope that so can I. One day it’s just gonna be easy. Or one can hope. Cheers to us. Cheers to you. I love you.
